I Barely Know Myself
by unidentifiablecarelessness
Summary: Shepard has been taken into custody from the Alliance and is now dealing with their betrayal. On top of all his Alliance drama, him walking out on Miranda didn't exactly leave their relationship in good terms. Now Shepard is trying to manage the Alliance and his lost love through anger and distancing himself, but if he keeps it up how long will it be before he looses himself.
1. Chapter 1

"Shepard this isn't a good idea."

"Miranda listen—" Shepard couldn't complete his argument as Miranda continued to finish her own. He looked at the stunning woman cross her arms and walk further away from him.

"I'm sorry Shepard I don't think that you understand what I'm saying so, I'll say it differently," Miranda uncrossed her arms and walked closer to Shepard. She took his arms and placed it around her waist and wrapped her arms around his neck. Shepard pulled her in closer.

"Shepard, this is NOT a good idea."

Shepard unwrapped Miranda's arms from his neck and walked to the opposite side of the room. He loved Miranda and he understood what she was trying to say, he also understood that if he turned the information he had on the Collectors to the Alliance he might not ever be able to see Miranda again. But he had to try. The evidence that he had was irrefutable. With the information on the Collectors and his information on Saren and the Geth there was no way the Council could refuse him now.

"Miranda, I can't keep having this argument with you—"

"Then don't."

"—But I need to do this. They need a chance, we all _need_ a chance to win this war. Whether they believe it's coming or not. Now, you can understand that better yet, maybe you can't. But you have to trust that I know what I am doing."

Shepard started to walk out of the room, and head to his Cabin. He had been tired from fighting with the Collectors, the Illusive Man, and now Miranda. He just didn't have enough energy to keep arguing about what was evidently the right thing to do. But as he was walking out Miranda stopped him.

"I understand," Miranda said. Shepard stopped walking but kept his back to Miranda.

"I do John. But I also understand that this is going to be just like the first time and second time you tried to warn them. And each time you played the fool to their rules, and then you played the hero when you had to save their lives. They don't listen. And they won't listen. The only thing different about this time is that you will not come back from this. They have not believed anything that you have said for two years and they won't believe you now. I trust that you know what you're doing. But I know that they won't listen."

Shepard refused to turn around. He didn't want to argue with Miranda anymore, and if he turned he would have done just that. Shepard started to walk out the door but what Miranda said next had stopped his feet from knowing how to move.

"John...if you walk out that door I'm done. I have had everything I've ever loved ripped from me. I can't watch you sacrifice yourself for the Council. They won't listen and you won't come back. I know that you know that. So I'm making this decision easy for you. The Council or me."

Shepard stood still, refusing to move. His back still faced Miranda, he didn't want to see the look on her face. He didn't want to see the way her heart broke when he executed his decision. Instead he threw his head down and clenched his jaw, stopping himself from breaking down in front of the woman he loved. He knew he would regret his decision long before he made it, but it had to be done.

"I'm so sorry," Shepard whispered as he walked out the door. Leaving Miranda standing there heart broken.

* * *

Shepard sat, handcuffed helplessly to a chair replaying his last moment with Miranda for yet another time. Wishing he had done things differently. She had been right. The moment he docked the _Normandy_ in Bay D24 he was proclaimed as a terrorist to the Alliance and nothing more. It had been over a month now and Shepard handcuffed to this chair had become nothing but a habit. That and the continuous Alliance, and at times C-Sec, officers asking questions about his "affairs" with Cerberus.

He was tired of answering their questions, because they never cared about the answers. They only wanted him to say what they wanted to hear. Besides, Shepard no longer wanted to answer, he himself had only one question that ran through his mind. _How could you leave her?_

"Commander Shepard. Commander Shepard you are doing it again."

Shepard didn't notice that the Alliance officer walked into the room to interrogate him. He wondered how long she had been sitting there.

"Doing what 'again' Daniels?"

Daniels sighed, Shepard knew she hated the informality but he wasn't really considered about how she felt. After all, he was the one handcuffed with a camera light shining in his face.

"Commander Shepard, I told you my name is _Lieutenant_ Daniels. I prefer that you call me by that and only that. Just as I call you Commander in front of your name."

Shepard scoffed, "Sorry I keep forgetting that you preferred to be called _Lieutenant _Daniels. I'll try and call you that…_Daniels._"

Shepard smirked at Daniels, as she rolled her eyes and his incompliance.

"Commander Shepard, you do realize that you haven't been released from the Alliances custody because you refuse to civilly comply," Daniels questioned.

"Daniels you do realize that I haven't _left_ the custody of the Alliance because I choose not to. Don't make it seem like you bureaucratic fools actually do anything useful."

"Commander we have you in handcuffs and when we don't have you in those you are under full lockdown in your dormitory. I doubt you could leave our custody if you tried."

Shepard was tired of the Alliance and their "all mighty behavior". If he wanted to leave he could, simple as that and they needed to know it. Daniels just happened to be sitting in the chair to relay the message to them.

"Daniels, I want you to listen to me and listen well. I am handcuffed because I allow it. If I wanted out of them I could easily charge into you, which will kill _you _on impact, in the same second I am propelling into you I would easily rip the keys from your neck and uncuff myself. When your Alliance friends behind that glass in there run in here you will have been already dead for about a minute. And you friends would have followed you in death just as quickly. If I wanted to leave that 'dormitory' I would have done that while you and your precious Alliance brass are asleep. I would have left day one. Your custody policies only work on everyone but me. I am here because I allow it. You and your Alliance have nothing to do with that."

Daniels shifted in her seat. A month ago, Shepard would have never talked to anyone like that. But now it had been a month too long and Shepard was growing tired of being treated like a regular criminal.

"Now listen _Daniels,_ I am not answering any of your questions. They are all the same and so are the answers. So let's make today short for you. My answers to all of your questions are: The Reapers are coming, the Reapers are coming, and the Reapers are coming. Take that back to the Alliance."

Shepard shifted in his seat waiting for a response from the Lieutenant. She sat across from him with her arms crossed and her jaw clenched, but her skin had looked flushed. He couldn't tell whether she would punch him or become sick and oddly enough he hadn't cared. The Alliance had blocked his messages, forbad him visitors, named him a terrorist, and tarnished his name, he couldn't care less threatening their lives.

"So Daniels, excuse me, Lieutenant Daniels mind releasing me from this chair so I can go to my very high security 'dormitory' or should I release myself. "

Daniels stood up from her seat and removed the key from her necklace. She then released Shepard from his restraints. Shepard stood up from the seat and rubbed his wrist, he gave a thankful nod to Daniels who had refused to make eye contact. Shepard opened the door and right as he existed the room he heard Daniels yell at his back.

"You've changed Commander!"

_I know, _he thought,_ and I don't like it either._


	2. Chapter 2

**Consequences**

Shepard walked down the hall to meet up with his security guard granted to him by the Council themselves. The guard stood 6 feet tall, tan skinned, heavily built, sported a haircut and tattoos that were beyond Alliance regulation, and went by the name James Vega.

Shepard didn't mind Vega but he preferred not have him around. Vega still saw Shepard in the light the Citadel once held him in. The light in which he was their savior against the Saren/Geth and the start of humanity as a competing race. Vega saw Shepard as a respectable man and regardless of what the Council had made him out to be …a hero. And that's what Shepard hated the most.

At least with the Council turning the public and the Alliance against him it was easier for him to not care about how they felt. But with Vega, Shepard couldn't be as callous as he wanted be; because somewhere in Vega he saw a reflection of the man he used to know. The man that he was so desperately trying to find and escape.

"Commander Shepard, what the hell was that all about?"

Vega came charging down the hall once he spotted Shepard turn the corner.

"What's wrong James, you didn't enjoy the show," Shepard cockily replied.

"Don't try that cocky shit with me, sir._ I_ invented it. You do realize that stunt that you pulled back there is going to increase your security? The Alliance, and not to mention the Council, is going to have me _glued_ to your ass. You won't be able to breathe without their say so."

"I can't breathe now Vega, so what does it matter?"

Shepard continued to walk while James scurried to keep up with his pace.

"Commander, listen to me."

Shepard could hear the sound of James's voice change. It was no longer filled with anger and annoyance but rather pleading and sorrow. Shepard stopped his walk and turned to face Vega, he refused to make contact with him. Afraid of what might reflect in his eyes Shepard fixated his attention to the tattoo on James's neck.

"Commander look, I know this might be hard for you. I can't imagine what you might be feeling but you acting like an ass and pissing everyone off isn't going to get anyone to listen to you. You are now the angel that has fallen and the only way you are going to get your wings and go back to heaven is if you suck it up and listen to their orders. Tell what them what want to hear. The truth obviously isn't helping you. You are not some helpless child and I am not your babysitter, you are Commander fucking Shepard, and you need to get back on your throne. This man, this _hombre _standing in front me is not the man we know and love. Straighten up, the galaxy needs you."

Shepard knew James was right, James had always been right. And maybe a month ago, a week or two ago, hell even a day ago, this speech might have helped him. Straightened him. Bought him back to his old self. However, today was a different day and Shepard was a different man.

"See James, that's where you are wrong. The galaxy doesn't need me. Hell, it doesn't even _want _me. You see, once upon a time I convinced myself that I was that fallen angel. The angel that happened to just take the wrong road to entering the beautiful gates of heaven, the angel that God had been waiting for, the _angel_ that the world would have missed. But I was wrong. I was dead wrong, I am the man who believes he should be an angel for taking thousands of lives as a solider. I am a soldier who has lost his way down the shit of a path known as my life. And I am no longer Commander Shepard, but just John. A stupid hollowed out version of the man the galaxy once desired."

James opened his mouth to protest what Shepard had said but Shepard held up his hand and continued with his argument.

"I can't straighten up to help others anymore Vega, because all I've known is to bend over backwards to help those who walk over me the first chance they get. If the Alliance is our heaven then I rather stay in this hell before I ever try and enter those gates again."

Shepard walked away from James before he could protest once more. He hadn't wanted to argue with him, or ruin the image he once had of him. But it was time that James accepted that Shepard wasn't the man everyone knew and loved anymore, and the sooner he accepted the better he would be.

As Shepard walked away Vega screamed his final objection in Shepard's direction.

"Commander Shepard—"

Shepard looked over his shoulder and yelled back, "Nope, remember Vega. Not Commander, just John."

* * *

"I could lay here like this, forever."

Shepard chuckled at Miranda's comment, he had never seen her more vulnerable than this moment.

"Could lay like what forever?"

"Wrapped up against you, in your arms. Listening to your heart beat, feeling your touch. I could lay like this forever, happily."

Shepard smiled. He was glad to hear Miranda say that. It had only been a couple of months now since he had met Miranda, and what was once a cold a cruel woman lied a warm a beautiful heart. Though it had only been a couple of months he couldn't picture his life without her and he wouldn't dare dream to.

"Then let's do it," Shepard replied.

"Do what?"

"Lie here forever, we don't need food or water. We don't need anyone else. Just me and you and all the time in the world. Let's do it."

"Do you forget that we are on a suicide mission hosted by the one and the only suicidal Shepard himself? What would happen if we don't kill the Collectors?"

Shepard pondered the question before responding to Miranda.

"Then we don't kill the Collectors. They don't seem like they want to die anyway so it's a win/win situation for everyone."

Miranda smiled, "Is that right? How so?"

"Well, the Collectors will have their lives and we will have each other."

"And what about humanity Shepard?"

Shepard smiled at the woman in his arms, "Well, I guess it's not a win/win for everyone then. But I'll have you so the hell with them."

Miranda laughed and snuggled up to Shepard a little more. He loved the way she felt against him, the way she smelled. He didn't want this moment to end, he wished she truly could lay there wrapped in the arms that were made for her and only her. But they both knew that all good things must come to an end.

"John," Miranda whispered.

"Yes, Miss Lawson."

"What will happen to us? Once this is all over I mean."

"Well, first I would take you on a real date. Somewhere fancy, somewhere that I'll have to wear and suit and you a dress. I will work for the Alliance and you for Cerberus—"

"The public would hate to see that "The Great Commander Shepard" is dating a Cerberus Operative."

Shepard chuckled, "Then they will definitely hate to know that I've also taken her to bed."

Miranda playfully punch Shepard in his side. Shepard laughed.

"Anyway, a few months later I'll ask you to move in with me."

"Yeah, is that right," Miranda bouncily replied.

"Yup, that's right."

"And what would I have said."

"You would have said yes. Now stop interrupting me, I'm bearing my soul."

Shepard smiled at Miranda who hand now been looking into his eyes.

"Continue," Miranda whispered.

Shepard began to stroke her hair with one hand, while holding Miranda's hand with the other.

"Then, I would wait two months. And I would propose to you. I would do it all fancy like and in front of the world because I want everyone to know. We could have a big wedding, or not. I don't care, as long as I could lie next with you, in my arms, forever."

"Happily?"

"Always."

Shepard woke up, shaking in a cold sweat. The dream had seemed just as real as the day it happened. He now longed for everything he had said to Miranda to come true. He had wanted her lying there with him, in his arms that was made especially for her.

Shepard thought about how he could possibly get her back and, if so, they would live together, wherever she wanted. Wrapped in one another's arms for the rest of their lives.

_Happily? _Miranda's voiced echoed in his mind.

_Always, _Shepard replied.


	3. Chapter 3

**One by One**

Shepard had been laying in his bed for yet another sleepless night. He couldn't get Miranda out of his mind, and when he did, he would on find her settled in his dreams. Sleep was no longer a virtue Shepard wished to endure, now all he had was time. It had now been two months since he had been proclaimed a terrorist to the Alliance and the Council. Two months since he had the Normandy and his crew taken away from him. Two months since he last saw Miranda.

Shepard has regretted everything for two months too long and wished he could just turn back the hands of time and stayed in that room with Miranda. He wished he decided that he loved her more than saving the galaxy. Shepard wished that he had just turned around and taken Miranda within his arms, kissed her and said, _I choose you._

But he knew all too well that wishing would get him nowhere. It never did.

The door to Shepard's room opened and the lights were thrown on, throwing Shepard out of his hopes and wishes and back into reality. James Vega had been standing in the doorway with his Omni-tool lit up reading a message aloud.

"Lieutenant Vega, we are requesting that you bring John Shepard to interrogation room 112 for further questioning around 0800. Sincerely, Admiral Bleu."

"Interrogation? Since when do we do those anymore?"

Ever since Shepard had threatened the safety of the Alliance's Lieutenant Daniels and six more Alliance brass, the Alliance had withheld any questioning whatsoever for the past month.

"I don't know, they just sent me the message ten minutes ago. Kind of a late notice, seeing how 0800 is in ten minutes. Get dressed Commander, you have places to be and soldiers to scare."

James chuckled as he left the Commander alone to dress himself. Shepard had no clue why the Alliance had been wanting to question him now, he had made it clear to the Alliance officers that questioned him before that he only had one answer and one answer only: The Reapers are coming. Point blank, period.

Shepard threw on his "N7" T-shirt, black cargo pants, and military boots and headed out of the room to meet up with Vega.

"Wow Commander," James popped to attention and saluted Shepard as he walked up to him.

"'Wow' what Vega? And remember you're not supposed to call me that anymore."

"I'm not supposed to salute you either. But wow to the fact that you are dressed basically like a civilian."

"Well I _am_ basically a civilian, I was discharged a month ago."

"Yeah, doesn't mean you have to look like it."

For the rest of the walk James and Shepard walked in silence. Turning the corners without saying a word to one another. When they arrived to interrogation room 112 James gave a goodbye nod and stopped in front of the door. Shepard walked into the room and met with a guard who had been waiting for him with cuffs.

"Those won't be needed Chief, Shepard wouldn't harm us. It is an informal meeting after all."

Shepard hadn't noticed the man sitting at the table when he first walked in.

"Admiral Bleu, I assume," Shepard stated as he walked to sit in the chair across from him.

"You would assume correctly."

The Admiral held his hand out for Shepard to shake. Shepard took his hand within his questionably.

"Mind if I ask what it is that I am doing here? I have already told you guys all that you wanted to hear and-"

"Oh no Shepard, though you are in an interrogation room you can trust that you are not here to be interrogated. I just have a few thing to ask you and then you can be on your way."

"Meaning this is an interrogation."

"Nope, an interrogation is an act of asking questions formally or officially. You aren't in handcuffs, therefore this is not formal."

The Admiral smiled at Shepard and continued with what he had been saying.

"Now like I said Shepard, wait, mind if I call you John. Seeing how you are no longer a Commander and your last name just seems so…distancing."

"Yes I do mind. Shepard will do."

The Admiral looked unfazed by Shepard's subtle aggression, he continued with what he had been saying.

"Well, like I was saying Shepard. I just have a couple of questions for you and then you may be on your way."

Shepard leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. He knew that when someone said they just had a few questions they really didn't mean "a few".

"Shoot, Bleu."

"It's Admiral Bleu," he replied.

"Well I am no longer in the military so the rank doesn't matter much to me."

"Well, then."

Bleu shifted in his chair and opened up a folder that had been sitting in front of his desk.

"You were the Commanding Officer of the _Normandy SR-2 Ship_ while working with Cerberus, were you not?"

"I was."

"And in this ship you worked with a crew of terrorist supplied to you by Cerberus, did you not?"

"Cerberus officers you mean? Yes, I worked with them."

"Okay, which brings me to the main question Shepard. What were the names of the officers who worked with you?"

Shepard was surprised, was this guy serious. Out of all the questions in the world he had to ask this one. Shepard wouldn't have told him if his life depended on it. The moment he started to name names was the moment they would have all joined him in this hell hold. The only difference was, they wouldn't have it so lucky to just get their rank taken, especially if they had been working with Cerberus before the Collectors.

"I don't know their names. I never asked," Shepard replied.

The Admiral smiled at Shepard's incompliance.

"See Shepard, I knew you would say something like that. So I decided to take it upon myself to take a good luck at your unknown crew. Tell me if you recognize any names."

Shepard couldn't believe the nerve of this guy. He couldn't believe that the Admiral thought he could walk into this room and get any information out of Shepard.

Shepard had been keeping his mouth shut on anything Cerberus talk for two months now, and if this guy thought he would be getting any intel on his Operation he must of lost his mind. Whether he hated Cerberus or not, he was not giving the names up of the men and women who helped him. So Shepard decided to do what he did best, shutdown. Shepard put up his emotional barrier and prepared himself for the worse.

"Jeffery Monroe."

"Come again?"

"Jeffery Monroe, goes by…Joker."

"I know the name, but the last time I had seen him was the day I was declared 'Kill In Action' by the Alliance, thank you for that by the way."

The Admiral looked down at his folder.

"Well it says here that Mr. Monroe left the Alliance for Cerberus three months later after being denied the ability to fly the Normandy. He then started working for you, in the mission to the Collectors. Is that true?"

Shepard stared at Admiral Bleu showing no sign of emotion other than boredom.

"Maybe you are hard of hearing Admiral. So I'll say it again, I haven't seen Joker since the day the Normandy was destroyed. We have not communicated since."

The Admiral glared at Shepard. Shepard couldn't read the look on his face. He had seemed almost disappointed in Shepard not telling him about Joker but at the same time he looked as if he expected it. Bleu then closed his folder and moved on to the two folders underneath it.

"Okay, so Monroe wasn't a part of the terrorist attack. How about the names Dr. Karin Chakwas and former Alliance Marine…Jacob Taylor."

Shepard's face conveyed no emotion, but on the inside he had been screaming. _How the hell did they know anything about who worked with_, he thought, _those files were strictly confidential._

"I do recognize one of the names," Shepard finally responded.

The Admiral looked up from the files, shocked at Shepard's compliance.

"You do?"

"Yes, I do. Dr. Karin Chakwas worked on the original Normandy, I'm glad to know that she made it our safely."

"Did she work alongside you with Cerberus?"

"No, she didn't. I haven't seen her since the night of the Normandy crashing. Until now I hadn't known that she was alive."

"And what about Operative Jacob Taylor?"

"Sorry, don't know the name."

The emotions that the Admiral was now showing was evidently annoyance. He had been frustrated that Shepard refused to comply with just saying "yes" or "no" to those who worked with him the Suicidal mission. The Admiral leaned in Shepard's direction from across the table.

"Shepard you do realize that we just want to know who worked with you to verify whether your story about the Reapers are true or not. Without those names you are just forced to stay here longer and you will remain a terrorist of the Alliance and the Council. Now I don't know what game you think you are playing here but you should know it is getting really fucking tiring. We are beginning to no longer care about the state of your well-being. We will use force."

Shepard leaned into the Admiral and matched his tone.

"I don't need my story verified by anyone. I know what I saw and if you don't believe me I only have two things to say to that: Fuck. You. I could give a damn about what you guys are trying to do, I wouldn't tell you the names of my crew if you held a gun to my head and had your finger on the trigger. If you must use force you better prepare to get what is coming to you. I don't back down easily. So I suggest you and your pathetic security guard right here, leave while you still have a chance. I don't take being threatened kindly."

The Admiral leaned back within his seat, showing the signs of accepting defeat. He gave a quick and respectable nod to Shepard and motioned for the security guard to leave the room. The Admiral stood up from the table and took his files within his hand, as he started to walk from the table the Admiral stopped at looked at Shepard.

"Before I go Shepard, I have one more name I'm sure you know really well."

Shepard rolled his eyes, he couldn't believe that this guy was still trying. The Admiral opened up his final folder and looked right into the Commander's eyes.

"Do you happen to know a Miss Miranda Lawson? You know, tall, raven haired, blue eyes. A real beauty Shepard, any man would be lucky to have her."

Shepard's face broke its composer and for a second he showed true emotion behind hearing her name. Though Shepard face only faulted for a second it was long enough for the Admiral to get the answer that he wanted. The Admiral smiled.

"Thank you Shepard, that's all I needed to know."

As the Admiral started walking out, Shepard stopped him.

"How do you know that name?"

The Admiral smugly smiled at the Commander and pretended to be shocked.

"What's wrong Shepard? You aren't going to try and deny knowing Miss Lawson either? Hmm and here I thought you were better than that."

"I know you aren't stupid. There is a reason you picked that name out of all those stupid ass files you bought in here so I am going to ask you again. How do you know that name?"

"Let's just say that Miss Lawson is in a 'safe' place."

The Admiral began to walk away but Shepard grabbed him by his jacket and slammed him against the wall.

"What the hell does that mean," Shepard questioned through gritted teeth.

"It means your game is over. I win."

Shepard no longer saw reasoning he only saw red. He threw the Admiral onto the table, at the same time the Commander had taken the gun the Admiral had so cockily left in his holster. Shepard put it up to the Admiral's head.

"No, you don't win. And unless you tell me what the hell happened to Miranda this room is going to have your blood smeared throughout the place. Starting on this table."

Within second the door had been knocked down and the room had been filled with Alliance soldiers and their guns were all pointed at Commander Shepard.

"Nice of you guys to join the party, just give me a second and I'll get to you," Shepard said without looking away from the Admiral.

"Commander Shepard, put the gun down," a solider yelled.

"See I can't do that, our friend Admiral Bleu here has threatened someone I care about. And that wasn't his first mistake but it will be his last if he doesn't tell me where she is."

Shepard had now moved his hand onto Admiral Bleu's neck and continued to hold the gun to his head.

"Commander Shepard, we have been authorized to shoot if we have to. Now, put down the gun."

Shepard didn't hesitate, this man had threatened the life of not only someone he cared about but he threatened the life of the woman he loved. Shepard didn't care if the soldiers shot at him, he had been shot at before. Shepard leaned in next to the Admiral's ear.

"Where is she?"

The Admiral struggled to speak under the Commander's grip. Shepard loosened the hold around the Admiral's neck. The Admiral struggled to speak.

"She is…she is…on the run. The Alliance…hasn't caught…her…yet."

Shepard stood up and took the butt of the gun to the Admiral's head, putting him unconscious. Due to that act, the line of soldiers in the room acted as ordered and shot at the Commander.

* * *

"Do you have a death wish John," Miranda questioned Shepard from her desk.

"Well I cheated death once so, I figured mocking it wouldn't hurt."

Shepard smiled at Miranda but when she looked back she did not share his laughter. _Bad joke,_ he thought.

"I'm serious."

"And I'm sorry. The answer to your question is a no."

"Then why do you continuously throw yourself in harm's way?"

Shepard pondered the question. He honestly hadn't considered himself trying to harm himself. It always seemed to just happen.

"I don't throw myself in harm's way Miranda. It just happens."

"'It just happens', nothing ever just happens John."

Shepard could hear the annoyance in Miranda's voice. He stood up from the chair he was sitting in and walked over to Miranda. He walked up from behind her and took her hands off the keyboard and into his own. He then stood Miranda up and turned her around, pulling her into his arms. She rested her head upon his shoulders.

"You know I love you right?"

"I do."

"Do you know how much I love you?"

"How much?"

"More than the stars in the sky."

"Which sky?"

"All of them. Each and every one of them. And because of that I will stop putting myself in 'harm's way'. It will no longer just happen. I'll be safer Lawson. I swear."

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

Joker came in on the intercom in search for Shepard.

"Commander Shepard, the Illusive Man wants to see you."

"Okay, Joker."

Miranda lifted her head from Shepard's shoulder and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Don't go in harm's way John," she whispered.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Shepard kissed Miranda on the forehead and headed towards the door. As he started he walked out the door Miranda called back to Shepard.

"Hey you," Shepard turned around to look at the raven haired beauty.

"Do you know how much_ I _love you," she asked.

"No."

"More than the stars in the sky."

"Which sky?"

"All of them."

* * *

Shepard woke up on the floor of the interrogation room, gasping for air.

_Why do you continuously throw yourself in harm's way? _Miranda's voice echoed in Shepard's mind.

"Only for you," he whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

**I Can See It**

"You have noticed that any promise you have ever made me, you have broken, right?"

"I have not," Shepard responded.

"Have to."

"Have not."

"You told me you would stay out harm's way."

"And I did, until Bleu threatened your safety, what was I supposed to do just sit around?"

"True, but you could have put the gun down after you had gotten the answer you needed."

Shepard looked down at the woman who laid in his arms. She was dressed in nothing but his "N7" T-Shirt and wore her hair down as always. Shepard couldn't stop looking at her. She was so beautiful. She had placed her arms around Shepard's chest waiting for a response.

"Yeah, I could have done that. But who's to say that he wouldn't have tried to hurt you."

"How about when you told me that after the Collectors you would take me on a real date?"

"I am, I mean, I was going to take you on a real date, but you know…"

"Yeah I do know…you left me. Which brings me back to the next promise you broke."

Shepard sighed, he had known that he had disappointed Miranda; but what he had done was never intentional, it just was just the way things seemed to work out.

"And what promise was that," Shepard questioned.

"You promised that you would love me more than all of the stars in the sky."

Shepard look up at Miranda, finally seeing what he had refused to see two months ago. He finally saw the way he broke her heart. Shepard moved Miranda's arm from his chest and turned onto his side to face Miranda. Shepard placed his thumb underneath her chin and forced her to look into his eyes.

"I still do. I never stopped Miranda, you have to know that. I've just…I've just lost my way. But I'm trying hard to be the man that you loved again, it's just..."

Shepard looked away.

"It's not easy."

Miranda placed her hands on the sides of Shepard's face and bought his forehead to hers. Shepard closed his eyes, breathing in the smell of Miranda and taking in her touch he had long for.

"You will _always_ be the man I love John. No matter what you do. Nothing and no one will ever change that. But you have to stop punishing yourself for the things you cannot control. You have done everything right. You have warned the Council and protected me and the crew. Now it's time that you stop worrying about us and take care of yourself. We will be fine. _I_ will be fine. And whether or not you decide that you want to put this angry man aside, and come back as the John Shepard we all know and love, I will still be here. Waiting for you."

"Happily," Shepard whispered refusing to open his eyes.

Miranda smiled.

"Forever and always," she responded.

Miranda bought Shepard's face closer and drew his lips to her own. Shepard grabbed Miranda's hips and bought her body into his, deepening the kiss. He didn't want this moment to ever end. Miranda leaned her head back, breaking the kiss, and looked into the eyes of the man she loved.

"John?"

Shepard's eyes were still closed attempting to stay in that moment for just a second more.

"Yeah," he replied.

"You have to wake up now."

Shepard opened his eyes, staring questionably at Miranda.

* * *

Shepard woke up on the floor gasping for air yet again, only this time he hadn't been lying on the floor of the integration room. Rather, somewhere much darker and more unwelcoming. Shepard attempted to stand up but the pain in his chest was too unbearable to move. He threw his head back and decided to access the room from the floor.

The walls were closed in. Shepard had been placed in the middle of the chilled chamber. He could see that the connected corners formed a square room in which he had now been expected to reside. The walls weren't of dull paint, like the room given to him by the Alliance, but rather made of metal that dully attempted to reflect back the room. The back wall of the cell showed a small window, so small that Shepard almost didn't notice it. In the corner of the ceiling were moths fluttering about, attempting to escape the web that entrapped them or merge with the dismal light that lit the room.

The room simply held a bed and a toilet. Shepard had noticed that the bed lacked a decent mattress and stood on a rusted frame. He also noticed it was fit for a child.

After moments of processing, Shepard finally realized where he had been. He had sent men to rooms like this for years, keeping them away from society until they would be reassigned to the prisons that could handle them. Maximum security, which included top notch Specter security guards and all the time in the world for a criminal to think about what they have done. Oh yes, Shepard knew all too well where he had been.

The Alliance placed Shepard in a holding cell for the highest security risk criminals.

Shepard rolled onto his stomach, gasping in pain. He then forced his hands to push his weight off of the floor and onto his feet. Shepard walked towards the door and started punch against its frame.

_Bang, Bang, Bang._

"Hello, "Shepard screamed, "is anyone out there?"

No one responded.

Shepard decided to try again.

"Hey, I said 'is anyone out there?'".

Shepard held himself up against the door frame for a second, waiting for a response. He could hear the Specters outside scurry and whispering about whether or not they should "engage" with the criminal. Shepard was appalled. He was not a criminal and he did not deserve to be in the prison cell, or shot at for that matter.

_Wait, I was shot at._

Shepard lifted up his shirt only to find contusions and a few open wounds. Nothing damaging.

Shepard scoffed, "Dumb asses can't even shoot straight."

Shepard dropped his shirt down and continued to bang on the door.

"Okay, don't act like you guys aren't out there. I can hear you. _Look_, I'm not asking for you to let me out, just let me speak to the officer in charge."

The scurrying of the men continued, Shepard sighed and pushed himself off the frame of the door. He hobbled his way towards the bed and dropped his weight back onto the floor. Shepard might have been injured but there was no way he was going to let himself collapsed on the already brittle bed frame.

He threw his head back and listened to the men scamper around in search of a solution.

As he let the pain in his chest slowly rock him to sleep.

* * *

"I don't see what you see," Garrus shouted at Shepard while calibrating the gun.

"What do you mean you don't see what I see? Garrus it's pretty simple. She is beautiful, she is funny, she is smart, she is—"

"See Shepard, all that stuff right there, I don't see any of that. I mean I see the beauty portion and I know she is smart. Hell, she bought you back from the dead, but the funny and whatever the hell you were going to say after that. I just don't see it."

"Then tell me what you do see Garrus."

"You wouldn't want me to tell you what I see."

"But I do."

"But you don't."

"Yes I do."

"No, you don't really."

"Dammit Garrus!"

"Fine Shepard, if you insist. She is cold, mean, and quite frankly a bitch."

"A bitch?"

"Yeah, she a _huge_ one. I mean if looks could kill we wouldn't need a team for the suicide mission, we could just send Miranda and let her glare turn them all into stone. _I _saw Grunt wince yesterday she gave a lecture about the safety of the cargo hold, during lunch in the mess. Grunt, Shepard, I mean since when is he afraid of anyone? So yeah, I don't see what you see, and quite frankly I don't see how you see what you see."

Shepard stood up from the seat he had been sitting at and walked closer to Garrus.

"Garrus, when I look at Miranda I," Shepard smiled, "I see everything I mean…like her eyes. Her eyes are so beautiful and mesmerizing that I could get lost staring in them for the rest of my life and never wish to find my way back. And her, her smile, Garrus it's like a magnificent portrait and I would, spend my _last _dime trying to buy it, I would spend all of the hours in the day telling all the jokes in the world to keep it on her face. And her laugh—"

"She can laugh?"

Shepard frowned at Garrus.

"Yes, Garrus she laughs. And it's so beautiful. It's like one of those songs that plays continuously in your head and no matter how much it plays it never gets tiring. And her touch…it makes me lose my breath."

Shepard walked closer to Garrus.

"Garrus, I dream of being lost in her eyes, I will go broke and make a fool out of myself to forever see her smile, I will continuously familiarize myself with every melody of her beautiful song, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to catch my breath, I am in love with her. So I don't give a damn if you can't see what I see. Because I can see it, but I need you to act like you do. Cause she is going to be around for a while Garrus and I would like my best friend to be there too."

Garrus walked over to Shepard and looked into his eyes.

Garrus placed his hand upon Shepard's shoulder "You're in love with her?"

Shepard smiled "Yes, very much so."

"Then I can see it to, after all there is no Shepard without Vakarian."

"Thank you Garrus."

Shepard gave the Turian and pat on the arm and headed towards the door, as the door slide open he nearly hit her as he tried to exist the room.

"Hi, John."

"Miranda um…how much of that did you hear."

Miranda smiled, "All of it."

* * *

Shepard was awakened by the noise of his door being opened.

"Commander Shepard," a voice said "before I open this door I need you to put your hands in the slot to be handcuffed."

"Guy whose name I don't know, I will not being done that."

"Commander Shepard, I wasn't asking."

Shepard had grown tired of being the angry, and he needed to see someone else besides those who resided in his dreams.

"Fine," Shepard groaned.

Shepard painfully pushed his body off the floor once again and headed towards the door.

"Hold on Commander Shepard, we are being told that you will not be in need of restraints."

"Are you sure? The last guy who thought that didn't end up doing so well."

The door to Shepard's cell opened and Shepard winced at the sight of the foreign light. In stepped a man that Shepard knew all too well.

"I'm sure you wouldn't attack me," he said.

"No, I wouldn't dream of it Anderson."


	5. Chapter 5

**_*Hi guys, before you start reading this chapter I would like to say thank you for the support and the reviews. They mean a lot and I am trying to get the one or two chapters out to you guys a week. I know how annoying it can be to wait around. I'm glad you guys are joining me in my story of Shepard and Miranda's love and I hope you guys continue to. Enjoy."_**

**Set Straight**

"Shepard can I have a moment of your time."

Shepard sighed, he pressed the elevator button as he watched the raven haired beauty run to his side.

"Make it fast Lawson, you have till the elevator gets here."

"Well that isn't very long."

"That's why I said 'make it fast'."

Miranda raised her eyebrow at Shepard.

"Fine. I wanted to get an evaluation on your psychological state after Horizon."

Shepard looked at Miranda, he wanted to know why she suddenly cared about his mental state after Horizon. Or after anything for that fact. He was okay, well mostly okay.

"I'm fine Lawson, that's all you need to know for your evaluation."

The elevator doors opened and as Shepard took a step forward to walk into the elevator, Miranda stood firmly in front of him.

"See that's the problem Shepard, I don't exactly think you are 'fine'. It has been two days since the attack on Horizon and you haven't said a word to the crew, or to me for that fact."

The elevator doors closed, Shepard reached to press the button once more, while Miranda blocked his ability to call for the elevator. She raised her eyebrows waiting for a response.

Shepard sighed, "I am aware of how many days it was since Horizon Lawson, I was there. As for the not speaking to the crew, I have nothing to say and as for not speaking to you…I still have nothing to say."

Shepard moved Miranda's hand from the blocking the button and called for the elevator once more.

"You always have something to say Shepard. You have to talk about what happened to someone."

"There is nothing to talk about Lawson."

Shepard was growing impatient. He had been having a rough couple of days and the fact that Miranda had been in his face trying to talk about his feelings weren't really helping. Maybe another time and another place, but today Miranda just needed to give him space. Miranda was claiming that she wanted to talk about Horizon but Shepard knew what she really wanted to hear, she wanted to know if he was still hung up over Ashley. So once again, he had nothing to say.

Miranda was now staring at Shepard, waiting for him to change his mind. As the elevator doors opened Shepard moved Miranda and stepped into the comfort of the elevator. However, the comfort didn't last long as Miranda jumped in to join him.

"I know you have something to talk about Shepard."

Shepard reached for the elevator button that led him to his Cabin. Refusing to say another word to Miranda. They both stood in the elevator silent, as they both grew restless.

"You talked to me before, you know? Before Horizon, you told me things I had never asked for. Hell I told you things I hadn't ever told anyone. And I figured…I figured you might have done the same for me. But I guess our communication is just a one way street, you get all of what you want to know and I get shut out. Understandable."

Shepard rolled his eyes. He had too much on his mind and Miranda continuously pushing for him to talk wasn't helping.

"Lawson—"

"No it's okay Shepard, that right there. You calling me 'Lawson' said it all."

The doors to the elevator opened releasing Shepard to the safety of his room. But as Shepard was walking to his room Miranda stopped him.

"I guess I have to call you 'Skipper' in order for you to talk to me, won't I?"

Shepard spun around and headed towards Miranda who was still standing in the elevator. He slammed his hand on the fire button, forcing the elevator from being able to move. He then walked closer to Miranda, closing some space between them and forcing her back against the wall.

"You don't get to say that. You don't _ever_ get to say that. Not tomorrow, not a week from today, not a month. Ever. Now if you want to talk about my psychological problems let's do that, we can do that."

Miranda shifted as Shepard moved closer in the space between them.

"Every morning I wake up and I am _pissed._ I am pissed that I have to fight the fucking Reapers and Collectors by myself, I am pissed that I have to work with not only the Cerberus's name stamped to my chest but also with traitor taped to my back. I am pissed that I have to work with the Illusive Man. And yeah I am pissed because the woman I love just turned her back on me when I needed her. But most of all Miranda I am pissed at _you_."

Miranda winced.

"You're pissed at me?"

"Yeah."

"And what for?"

Shepard could tell that Miranda had been now angry too but he didn't care. She asked for his mental state, and she was going to get it.

"For everything. Every. Damn. Thing. I am pissed that you won't leave me alone. That you keep questioning my leadership, my intentions. But most of all I am pissed that you bought me back to life. I am mad, that you allowed me to live in this world with this weight on my shoulders for a second time. I am furious that you forced me to open up the wounds that everyone had finally closed after I left. I had two years of my life on pause and you want me to applaud you for bringing me back, I could give a fuck about if humanity needed me or not. What about what I needed, huh? Have you ever asked me that Miranda? Have you ever wondered? I am so sick and tired of this job, of these responsibilities—"

"What happened to the man willing to die for the galaxy?"

Shepard slammed his hand against the wall near Miranda's head, causing her to jump.

"Don't you understand?! I _did_ die fighting for it, and now you still manage to wake me up and ask me for more, well I have nothing left. I have no one left Miranda. When I am on a mission, I debate what would happened if I just stopped fighting, if I just took off my helmet and allow that bullet to hit. But then I remember that you would just bring me back, to fight another war, to save another day. To take another life."

Shepard looked into the eyes of the woman in front of him. Her blue eyes were swelled with tears, that stubbornly refused to fall, and her hand held firmly against the elevator bar while the other pressed against Shepard's chest, enabling him from closing what little space they had left between them. He could tell that he had terrified her, which was never his intention. Shepard backed up from Miranda.

"I am pissed all the time Miranda, and being pissed makes me sad. So no, my psychological state isn't the best right now. And yes, I haven't been talking to the crew or to you because well…I still have nothing to talk about."

Shepard turned around a pressed the fire button, allowing the elevator to operate. He gave Miranda an apologetic nod and headed towards his Cabin door.

* * *

The door closed behind Anderson, taking the light of the hall along with it. Anderson winced at the change of scenery as Shepard reached out his hand to welcome his old friend.

"Anderson, it's really nice to see you."

Anderson put his hand within Shepard's and gave a firm handshake.

"Wow, you really stepped in it didn't you Shepard."

Shepard looked around the room, and then back to Anderson.

"Yeah Anderson, yeah I guess I did."

"And how did you manage to do that?"

"A series of unfortunate events, I suppose," Shepard chuckled.

Anderson's eyes went from the surroundings of the room and fixated on Shepard.

"This isn't a laughing matter John. I am currently fighting with the Alliance brass and the rest of the Council on what should be done with you. They are questioning your state of mind, their saying that you aren't the Commander Shepard that saved the Citadel from Saren anymore. Their saying that you have been corrupted by everything Cerberus, they are debating locking you up and throwing away the key."

"Then let them, I honestly don't think I care anymore."

"I don't believe a word of that Shepard. You have fought too hard to just give it all up."

"Give what up," Shepard questioned.

He looked around, he honestly had nothing left that they could take. The Normandy was his home, and the crew was his family; and for two months they all had been gone. Leaving him with nothing except bitter memories and wasteful regrets. Shepard looked back at Anderson.

"Yeah, I would hate to give this beautiful place up."

"Shepard, I'm serious. This man is not the man I know."

"And what man is that Anderson? Huh? The man that you were willing to trust about the Specter information, glad I got to learn that from you instead of Harkin, oh wait he was the one who told me. Or how about the man that you sent to do your dirty work cause you couldn't kill Saren on your own. And I'm glad I was the man that you were willing to trust about Ashley because I loved being rejected on Horizon and—".

Anderson grabbed Shepard's shirt, forcing him to scream in pain. He then bought Shepard closer to him, making sure he didn't miss a word.

"I am going to say this once Shepard, so listen in closely. I am done with your bullshit. We are _all _done with your bullshit. Now we gave you your moment, we figured that you were allowed to have one with dying and coming back. It's not every day that someone deals with that. So we were okay when you decided to join Cerberus, we were fine when you turned down the chance to be a Specter again, hell we were even a little okay with you threatening the safety of our officers, with your _words_. But your moment is over, it's through. You don't get to put your hands on our Admirals, our people. You don't get to be angry anymore and you don't get to walk around thinking that you are invincible."

Shepard opened his mouth to speak but Anderson silenced him. Anderson let go of Shepard's shirt and pushed him down onto the ground. Shepard gasped in pain.

"Do you feel that Shepard? That is the feeling of being lucky to be alive. Our men didn't miss, you didn't escape death by your own luck. They shot you with rubber bullets given to them last minute, a quick change done by someone in power. Someone like me, if I hadn't stepped in you would be dead in a box heading back to Earth to join your parents. _This_ is getting ridiculous, _you _have done enough. The show is over, no one cares that you are mad at the world. We all have things to be mad about! Your parents death sucked, the Blitz sucked, Saren and the Collectors, they all sucked. But they get better. And you need to too. Now you have two options and let's make it clear I could give a damn if you think you have more. You can get sent to a prison like Purgatory, except this one you won't be able to break out of it. Or you can straighten up agree to comply with the Alliance and head back to Canada where you will not be given back your rank or reinstated but under the name of the Alliance."

Anderson walked to the door and gave it a knock.

"I'm done here."

The door opened.

"You have 24 hours Shepard, don't make me choose for you."

Anderson walked out the door, closing it with a loud bang. The foreign light of the hall had once again escaped the grips of Shepard's room, leaving him lying upon the floor, gasping for air.

* * *

"What do you need?"

Shepard looked up from his desk to find Miranda standing beside him.

"What," he questioned.

"You said that no one cared to ask about what you needed. So I'm asking: What do you need?"

Shepard sat back in his chair and starred at Miranda. All he could see was the terrified look on her face from the elevator hours before.

"I'm sorry, Miranda. I didn't mean to scare you back there. I wouldn't ever want to—"

"That's not what I asked for, though I am glad to hear you apologize."

Miranda smiled at Shepard. She then walked over to his desk and took a seat upon it.

"So let's try this for a third time. What is it that you need?"

Shepard crossed his arms and really pondered the question. He had always asked for someone to ask this question before, but he just didn't know how to answer it.

"I need…I don't know what I need," Shepard said as stood up from his seat and sat down on the top of the desk next to Miranda.

"Oh come on, that's bullshit."

"It's not."

"But it is. Think hard. What. Do. You. Need."

Shepard look at Miranda, entranced by her beauty. She looked happier than he had ever seen her, despite what occurred earlier in the elevator. They had now been sitting shoulder to shoulder and all Shepard could think of at the moment, was how he needed her. Shepard placed his hands on the sides of Miranda's neck, forcing her to look curiously at him. He then leaned in and pressed his lips gently upon hers. Miranda's fingers knotted into Shepard's hair, pulling him closer to her. Shepard's lips parted as he breathed in Miranda's scent. He moved his hands from the side of Miranda's neck and began to trace her body with his fingers. When he reached her hips he drew her in closer to his body.

Miranda's fingers released Shepard's hair and her lips were no longer pressed upon his. Shepard opened his eyes. Miranda had been staring at him. Shepard leaned in to have their lips meet once more, but Miranda backed away. She took her thumb and wiped away her lip gloss that had now resided on Shepard's lips. She gave him a loving smile before she got up from the desk.

She started to walk towards the door but Shepard grabbed her hand pulling her back to him.

"What's wrong," Shepard questioned.

"This isn't what I meant when I asked you what you needed Shepard."

"Yeah, but Miranda, you are what I need."

Miranda smiled and took her hand from Shepard's hold. Placing his hand upon his lap, Miranda gave it a quick pat.

"I'm not what you need right now John."

Miranda gave him a kiss on the forehead and walked out of the room.

Shepard woke up lying on the floor of his cell. He had been tired of seeing her in his dreams and only in his dreams. He needed to see Miranda. He needed to be with her, and being in this cell wasn't going allow him to do that. Though choosing Purgatory would have been easy, Anderson was right. Shepard needed to get himself together, he needed to become the man he was so desperately running from. It was time that he stopped hiding and faced his responsibilities.

Shepard forced his weight back onto his feet, wincing at the pain left by the rubber bullets. He then knocked on the door.

"Yes, Shepard," a Specter replied.

"Can you tell Captain Anderson that I choose Canada?"

"Will do sir."

Shepard hobbled his way back near his bed and positioned himself on the floor. He then threw his head back and closed his eyes.

_I'm not what you need right now John, _Miranda's voice continuously repeated in his head.

"You'll always be what I need."

* * *

**_*Hoped you guys enjoyed the chapter leave reviews if you have any concerns, and if you would like to see something happen in the story message me and I will see what I can do. :)_**


	6. Chapter 6

**A Chance for the Truth**

Shepard walked into Miranda's office, without any warning of his arrival. As Miranda looked up to speak, Shepard held his hand up, stopping her welcome.

"I do need you."

"Shepard—"

"No Miranda, shut up I—it did suck. When Ashley left me, it did suck. I waited weeks to see her, to talk to her, to hold her and all she did was leave, Miranda. She left. And it sucks, it will always suck. But, Ashley is _not _you. And I might be calling this too soon and I might be over my head. But if losing her sucked, I know losing you will be heartbreaking. I have grown so attached to you in these last few months and I honestly don't understand how I have lived my life without you. So when you say 'I don't need you right now', you're wrong. And I know you don't hear that often but you're _so_ wrong, I am falling for you and everything that you are. I _do_ need you Miranda, and not as a consolation prize."

Miranda sighed and removed her hands from her keyboard.

"But if I let you have me that'll be exactly what I'll be, a consolation prize."

Shepard sighed and put his hand on his head.

"Don't act like I won't be John, I don't compare to what she was to you or what you were to her. You were her 'Skipper' for god sake."

"Stop calling me that—"

"Why cause it sounds foreign coming from me?"

"No, because I don't want to be anyone's "Skipper". You know what that means? It means Captain. She is calling me her Captain. And that may sound great to you but I don't want to be with someone who only sees me as the guy in charge. The guy that saves everyone. I don't want to be anyone's Skipper but only someone's Shepard. And with _you_ that's all I am. With you I'm only John—"

"Shepard—"

"—with you that's all I want to be Miranda. Just John, your John. Now you might not need me. You might not ever need me, but don't think for a second that I won't ever need you. Because I always will. You aren't a consolation prize Miranda, you are _the _prize. And I'll spend from this day on until the day I die trying to win you over."

"Shepard—"

The Commander held his hand up stopping Miranda from finishing her thought once more.

"I know, I'm over my head. But I—I just don't give a damn. I'm fighting for you Miranda…"

Shepard walked closer towards Miranda, he went into his pocket and pulled out a locket. He then placed it on her desk.

"…starting now."

Shepard turned around and walked out the door, leaving Miranda shocked.

* * *

"Sorry John Shepard, we didn't expect you to depart until tomorrow."

Shepard sighed at the Shuttle worker. He had now been standing at the Spaceport for an hour waiting for his Spacecraft to depart.

"You have said that ten times now, but as you can see the ticket says July 12, 2186, departing at 1430," Shepard held the ticket up in the worker's face for the tenth time.

"Now, I don't know if you noticed but it is July 12th and it is year 2186. However, it is no longer 1430 because you have allowed me to miss that Spacecraft. Now I don't know how the hell you have me scheduled to leave for tomorrow because it is evident that I should be leaving for Earth, today."

"Listen John Shepard, I am sorry but—"

"Hey, would you stop that. Firstly, John Shepard are two separate names. A first and a last name. Not two first names combined. It's either John or Shepard. That's it, simple. And secondly, I don't care what your files are saying it's obvious that someone messed up. I am just asking you to fix it. Can you do that? Can you fix it for me? Cause I have some place I need to be before the day is out."

The Shuttle worker nervously nodded his head and headed to the computer station to see what he could do.

"I have a shuttle leaving for earth at 1630, John She—I mean Shepard, and because of the mess up, I could get you on that free of charge.

"Thank you. Means a lot…," Shepard looked onto the workers shirt in shirt of a name tag, and on the collar for a rank.

"…Gunnery Chief Davidson."

Shepard looked to his side, he had noticed a woman standing in the corner talking to herself for about an hour. He also noticed that she arrived the same time he had, and had not seemed to leave his presence since he was dropped off by the Alliance. She was a Hispanic woman, she had long dark hair, a stood a little above average height on a muscular, yet thin frame. She was wearing a hunter green military jacket, a black band T-Shirt from the 20th century, and rigid jeans and leather boots.

"Could you also give the woman in the corner a ticket for the same craft?"

Shepard pointed towards the woman watching him in the corner.

"The Alliance thought it would be nice that I go with security."

"Will do."

"Thanks."

The worker gave Shepard a shy smile and his new set of tickets.

"Have a nice day Commander."

Shepard took the tickets and looked at the Alliance Marine.

"That's not a part of my name anymore either Chief," he spoke kindly.

"Yeah I know, but calling you simply John Shepard or just one or the other, isn't fair compared to all the things you've done."

Shepard gave a shy smile.

"Thanks again."

Shepard took both of the tickets and headed towards the woman standing in the corner. As he walked closer she attempted to walk away.

"Wait, don't you want your ticket? We are leaving for 1630 now rather than what it was before."

The woman looked at him trying to muster up an expression of confusion.

"I'm sorry sir, I don't know what you're talking about."

Shepard chuckled.

"Don't play coy marine. You've been caught. Just take the ticket and I won't let Anderson and the rest of them know what a bad spy you are."

She sighed and took the ticket from Shepard's hand.

"Now come on, you're keeping me company."

The marine looked from the ticket and onto Shepard.

"I am sorry sir, but I was told not to interact with you."

Shepard gave a smirk to the marine.

"Who is going to know that you did? There isn't someone watching you too, is there?"

"No sir that would be ridiculous."

"Well marine, if you're asking me this _is_ ridiculous too. And besides, you have been caught already. We might as well keep each other company. I get lonely on flights back to Earth, especially when I don't want to be there. So, how about you and I keep each other company and we can tell the Alliance, if they ask and I doubt they will, that we met on the plane. Deal?"

The marine shifted back and forth from feet to feet pondering the commander's offer.

Shepard cleared his throat.

"Plus, I did buy you that ticket. It's the least you could do."

He gave a friendly smile to the marine. She gave him a quick nod accepting his offer.

"Fine."

Shepard smiled.

"Awesome—"

"But in one condition."

Shepard sighed at the marine's response.

"Fine, name it."

"No rude remarks or abrasive handling."

Shepard's eyebrows furled in confusion.

"I've seen your interrogation videos," she responded.

Shepard chuckled once more.

"Not my brightest moments. And, I think I can uphold to those conditions."

"Good."

Shepard reached his hands out for the bags in the marine's hand. She stared at Shepard, resisting his offer.

"Hey, I still am a gentleman."

She gave her bags to commander and adjusted her only one upon her shoulders. The two started to walk to the opposite side of the Spaceport. Shepard looked towards the woman.

"I didn't get your name."

"Lieutenant Esparza."

"Nice to meet you Esparza, I'm John."

* * *

Shepard jumped to the sound of his door opening. It had been hours now since he and Miranda last spoke and he was wondering how long it was going to take her to respond.

"We need to talk Shepard."

Shepard was barely able to contain his enthusiasm when he heard the sound of the Aussie entering his room. He leaped up from his bed and ran near his desk.

"About what?"

Shepard was finally excited that he and Miranda were going to talk about their relationship. However, Miranda took her hands from behind her back, and showed that she was holding files.

"Work. We need to talk about work."

Shepard sighed.

"Miranda—"

"You see Shepard, you have to do staff evaluations."

"I don't want to evaluate everyone Miranda."

"It's not an option, Shepard."

"Fine, everyone gets an A."

"It doesn't work that way John."

"Well, then how does it work?"

"You sit down and you fill out these files. You have to talk about what they bring to the table, how they bring things about, what they cost the Illusive Man, what you think of them—"

"How about we start with you first. Miranda Lawson, beautiful Cerberus officer, scientist, she is very essential to the team. I mean not only with her intelligence and her remarkable shooting techniques, but also with her—"

Miranda closed the files and handed them off to Shepard.

"Maybe you should do these by yourself."

"Miranda, come on. We still need to talk."

"John, there is nothing to talk about. You have to understand—"

"You're wearing the locket Lawson."

Miranda touched the locket that hung from her neck and rested her chest.

"Yes I am."

"So you like it?"

"Yes, I love it."

"I was hoping you would."

"Shepard, I meant what I said before—"

"And so did I Miranda."

"But I can't do this right now John. Give me some time."

"Miranda I—"

"The evaluations are due Monday at 1300. Don't be late."

Miranda turned around and headed for the door.

"Miranda, please."

Miranda turned back to Shepard.

"Goodnight, John."

She turned back around and headed towards the elevator.

* * *

"Esparza, do you happen to own a cellphone?"

"Yes. Me and the rest of the world."

"I mean, do you mind if I borrow it."

"No, you're not allowed to make phone calls."

"Says who?"

"Says the Alliance."

"But the Alliance thinks I'm flying alone. They don't know that I have met you."

"And?"

"And, because they don't know that we met and they didn't intend for us to meet, who is to say that they would have had control over my phone calls?"

"None of the public phones work and every Alliance officer and civilian in here waiting for their crafts are being tracked."

"For?"

"For any word of you trying to get in touch with Cerberus."

"But I don't work for Cerberus."

"But you did."

Shepard shifted in his seat to now face the officer sitting beside him.

"Correction I worked _with_ Cerberus, not _for _Cerberus."

"Potato, patato."

"No, no no, potato patato is insinuating that it is the same thing just said differently. When that's not the truth. Working for them would mean that I would have had to follow by their rules and that I was going by their pay roll. However, while I was working with them I was just given a ship and a crew. Other than that I was my own boss. Nothing else. Besides, the Alliance claimed me to be dead and the Council basically told me I was a traitorous liar who should take the Specter title and shut the hell up."

"And why didn't you?"

"Why didn't I what?"

"Take the Specter title and shut the hell up?"

"Because if I did that, the Collectors would have been here right now, wiping out the human species."

"Collectors?"

"Wow, how far in the dark are you?"

"I'm not in the dark at all."

"Really? Do you even know why I am going back to Earth? Or why I have been proclaimed a terrorist?"

"Because you attacked an Alliance Marine."

"No but before that, before I attacked Bleu, who deserved it by the way, before I was arrested. Do you know why?"

"Yes Shepard, it's because you work for, excuse me, with Cerberus."

"No, that's not why either. How about this, you let me use your phone and I will tell you all there is to know. Every last bit. I will tell you why I was arrested, I will tell about who the Collectors were, and I will tell you the real reason I am being sent back to Earth. Every last bit. Deal?"

Lieutenant Esparza pondered Shepard's arrangement for a second.

"How would I know that everything you're saying to me isn't a lie?"

"Because when I tell you everything, things that the Alliance have told you, you know those stories that seem to have holes throughout them, they'll make sense. It'll all make sense."

The Spacecraft announcer came in on the radio.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, Spacecraft 113, heading to Earth scheduled to depart at 1630, is now boarding."_

Shepard jumped up from his seat and grabbed both his and Lieutenant Esparza bag.

"Come on, we don't want to miss another craft."

Esparza jumped up from her seat and grabbed her final bag.

As they were walking Esparza grabbed Shepard's shoulder stopping him.

"Fine, you and I will talk."

"After I borrow you phone, correct."

"No, _before_ you borrow my phone. And if for a second I believe that what you're saying is bullshit, I will revoke your privileges to the use of my phone. Do you understand?"

"So you're saying I can't borrow your phone until we talk?"

"Yes, that's what I'm saying."

"But how do I know that you will keep your word."

"Because Shepard, I don't lie. You can trust me."

Shepard stepped into Esparza's personal space.

"See that Lieutenant was a lie in itself. Everyone lies."

"Well, how about this. You have no choice but to trust me Shepard. I'm all that you have right now."

Shepard stepped closer to the Alliance marine.

"I have spent almost three months being alone Esparza. Another night wouldn't hurt. But I can sense that you're interested. And I really need your phone, so I'm just going to hold you to your word. My stories for your phone. Deal?"

Shepard placed his bag on the ground and held his hand to Esparza. She took it within her own.

"Deal."

"Good," Shepard bent down and took his bag into his hand and adjusted Esparza's bag in the other, "come on, we have a craft to catch."


	7. Chapter 7

**And then there were two…**

"Shepard can we talk?"

"Only if you can talk and walk at the same time. I have to go and talk to Jack."

Shepard started walking towards the elevator from the galaxy map with Jacob following him.

"Shepard this is important," Jacob responded.

"So is everything else."

Shepard stopped to press the button that called for the elevator.

"Fine, what do you need?"

Jacob looked around and leaned into Shepard.

"John, I need to talk to you _in private_."

The doors to the elevator opened up and Shepard motioned for Jacob to walk in.

"Your privacy awaits Jake."

The men walked into the elevator. Shepard pressed for the button to take them to the Engineering Floor.

"Shepard, one more thing."

"Yeah."

"Don't call me Jake."

"Don't call me John."

Jacob sighed.

"Fine, Shepard I came in here to talk to you about something important."

"Yeah you keep saying that but you aren't really telling me what is importance is or why it is for that fact."

Jacob stepped up and pressed the emergency button stopping the elevator from moving.

Shepard's eyebrow furrowed in confusion.

"What part of me saying 'I have to talk to Jack' did you not understand?"

"Shepard—"

"I mean seriously have you met Jack."

"Yes but Shepard—"

"So you see why I have the urgency to go and talk to her. So if you don't mind."

Shepard attempted to push Jacob aside and start the elevator once more. Jacob refused to budge.

"Shepard, I need to talk to you about Miranda."

Shepard stepped back into the back of the elevator.

"What about Miranda, Jacob?"

"What are you planning to do with her Shepard?"

Shepard chuckled.

"What I intend to do with Miranda is none of your business Jacob."

Jacob stepped closer to the Commander.

"Whatever you intend to do with Miranda _is_ my business Shepard."

"I'm sorry Jacob, I think you mistook my laughter for kindness. I think that you think that I actually give a damn to whose business you feel is yours. But let me say this a little better. My business does not concern you."

"It does concern me. You're new here, I get that. And coming back from the dead has made you a little confused so let me brighten things up for you. Miranda means a lot to me. More than you would ever believe. And I don't know what you have planned for her but I can tell you she will not just be another notch in your belt like those other girls that were falling behind you. She is not one of those women in which you use and throw back out like dirty laundry. She is a woman. A smart and beautiful woman whose deserves every bit of your respect and a man who is worthy of giving that to her."

"And that man is me Jacob—"

"—no Shepard I don't think that man is you."

"Well, since you are telling me how you really feel about me, tell me Jake, why don't you think the man is me?"

"Because you're a coward Shepard. You care for no one but yourself—"

Shepard stepped closer to Jacob, annihilating the little space left between the two of them.

"Is that right?"

"Yes it is, and not only that but I believe you don't care for Miranda. I believe that you are just using her to keep you entertained now that Ashley Williams left you. And the way you got over her so quickly I believe that you didn't like her half as much either. Now this solution is easy—"

"Is it?"

"Yes it's pretty easy, what you're going to do is you're going to end this charade you have going on with Miranda. You are going to tell her that you are going to try to work it out with Williams and that you are sorry for the inconvenience you have caused her."

Jacob turned and started the elevator once more.

"Do you get that," Jacob questioned.

Shepard refused to move from his stance.

"Are you done Jacob?"

"Yes."

"Good."

Shepard punched the emergency button in, stopping the elevator from moving once more. He then grabbed Jacob and slammed him against the elevator wall.

"My turn. I care about Miranda, and the reasons I care about her doesn't have to be explained to anyone. Especially someone with the likes of you. You got that? Now the only reason I haven't kicked your ass up and down this elevator is only because of Miranda. I know that if I did that she would be pissed and I definitely wouldn't have a chance with her. So this is how this is going to happen. When that elevator starts moving and those doors open you are going to walk out of here, remove your head from your ass, and we are going to forget this _ever_ happened. Because today, before now, I was in a_ great_ mood Jacob. And you should take advantage of that while you can. Because I don't take orders very well Jake, especially not from some dumb ass like you. Now, next time you want to talk to me, write it in an email. Read it, and then delete it. Cause from this day forward I don't give a rat's ass to what you have to say. From this day forward you are a solider. Just a solider, which means you take orders and that's all you do. You don't ask questions you just say how high, got that?"

Jacob opened his mouth to speak, but Shepard stopped him.

"No, I don't need to hear your voice again, it might upset me. I need you to nod. Do _you_ get that?"

Jacob reluctantly nodded his head.

"Good. Glad we got to talk."

Shepard released Jacob from his hold and activated the elevator once more. Shepard then looked to Jacob.

"Going down?"

Jacob nodded and pressed for the third floor.

The elevator doors opened and as Jacob started to walk out he almost ran into Miranda.

"Excuse me," Jacob said.

He rushed out of the elevator and sped pass Miranda. Miranda attempted to call for Jacob to come back. She then looked to Shepard with questionable eyes.

"What just happened?"

Shepard gave Miranda smirk and shrugged his shoulders.

"I honestly don't know."

Miranda gave Shepard a look that saw through his lies.

"Miranda, it's a long story. And I really have to see Jack. We can talk about it later…"

Shepard pressed the elevator button to close the elevator doors.

"…I promise."

* * *

Lieutenant Esparza sighed as she sat back into the shuttle seat.

"You promised that you would tell me everything in order to get my phone, and now you have nothing to say."

Shepard sat down into his seat and looked at Esparza.

"Correction. I told you that I would tell you everything that you _needed_ to know. But unless you question, I don't know what it is that you don't know. I still want your phone and I still am an open book. Go for it."

Esparza crossed her arms and squinted her eyes at the commander, disbelieving that he would tell her the truth.

"Fine. Question number one. Why do you want my phone so badly?"

"Answer number one. I have to talk to someone."

Esparza raised her eyebrows, pushing for Shepard do go more into detail.

"I have to talk to someone important."

"And who is this someone?"

"A woman."

"Does this woman have a name?"

"Yes, just like every other woman in the galaxy, she does."

"Can I get a name?"

"No."

Esparza sat up in her seat.

"Fine, then no phone for you."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No. You agreed that you would tell me everything that I needed to know and you aren't. So deal has been broken and phone privileges revoked."

"Fine. I have to talk to my girlfriend. Well my ex-girlfriend. I need to make sure that she is safe."

"What's her name?"

Shepard sighed.

"I can't tell you her name."

"And why not?"

"Because, some things you just can't know. If I go down, they would take you down too."

"But they are already going to take me down with you Shepard. You're about to tell me all there is to know. So now, we are in this together. If you go down, with the information me knowing her name would be just another fact that would put me in the Purgatory along with you. You might as well tell me it."

Shepard thought about what the Lieutenant said. She was right, whatever he told her she would be questioned and she would be sent to the same sentencing as him. Though she didn't join Cerberus with him, when he tells her everything she must know, it will be as if she did. Shepard didn't want that, no matter how much he missed Miranda. The Alliance saw things as black and white and the moment they discovered Esparza knew what they needed to be kept quite she would be deemed a terrorist as well.

"You're right, you would be held as an accessory. And considered a terrorist if they figure out I told you anything. I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

"Shepard what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I don't need your phone anymore Esparza. My misery is use to the darkest it doesn't need the company of yours. Forget I asked."

Esparza shot right up into her seat and quickly faced Shepard. She grabbed his face within her hands and forced him to look into her golden eyes.

"I am a big girl Shepard. I can handle myself."

"Esparza, the moment I use your phone I am putting both you and the woman I care for in danger. You think for a second they wouldn't be tracking your phone too?"

"It was your idea to use it, why change your mind now?"

"It was because I wasn't thinking. But now that I am, I can't let you do this. I'll find another way to get in touch with her."

Shepard removed Esparza's hands from his face and placed them onto her lap.

"Thanks anyway, Esparza."

The announcer came chiming in, disturbing the tension between Esparza and Shepard.

_Okay, ladies and gentlemen. We are about to take off, this should take a while. Get comfortable._

Esparza sat back into her seat.

"Great now I don't even know what time we will be getting to Earth."

Shepard turned around and looked at Esparza.

"That's shuttle talk for, because we are 50,000 lighters away he cannot add the time difference. Meaning he is going to give you the worst time by saying it'll take a while, so when we get there sooner no one will be mad. And if we get there late, well he said it would take a while, therefore, if we are early people are happy, if we are late they expected it."

Esparza nodded her head, showing that she understood the commander.

Shepard shifted in his seat to face her.

"You haven't been working in the Alliance for long have you?"

"I have."

"No, you haven't, because if you were you would have known what he was saying. Better yet, you wouldn't have been in the dark when I mentioned the Collectors. Only people who aren't Gunnery Chief's and below are lost to what's happening and still most of them have a clue to what's going on. So, I'm going to ask you again, you haven't been working in the Alliance for long have you?"

Esparza' eyes shifted.

"How about this. We will make another deal. I will trade you the information I was going to tell you for the phone, for information about _you_ instead. Deal?"

Shepard held his hand out for Esparza to shake.

"Fine, deal."

* * *

Shepard had just stepped out of the elevator and onto the crew deck when Miranda called out to him.

"Shepard can I talk to you in my office for a second?"

Shepard turned around. He didn't have time to talk to Miranda, now that he was done talking to Jack he needed to see Samara, and make sure she was doing okay.

Shepard turned around to face Miranda and started walking backwards.

"Lawson, on a scale from one to ten how important is this talk?"

"10, now move your ass. I was only asking nicely at first."

Miranda smirked at Shepard and strutted to her office. Shepard sighed, he really had to talk to Samara and he wasn't in the mood to play Miranda's "I love you, I love you not" game.

He started to walk forward and followed Miranda's path to her office. When he entered Miranda threw her files onto her desk and turned around to face Shepard.

"Yes, Miranda?"

"What the hell happened back there?"

"What, just now?"

"No not just now, I mean back there when it was you and Jacob."

"Miranda, I have to go talk to Samara. I promised I would make sure she was okay."

"You also promised me that you would tell me what happened between you and Jacob while you were in the elevator..."

Shepard sighed.

"…now spill."

Miranda leaned against her desk.

"Fine. The long story is…Jacob stopped me and said he wanted to talk in private. We get into the elevator and he stops it to tell me that I should stay away from you because I am a selfish coward and you deserve better. I then told him that he could shove all of his chivalry and dignity up his ass, where belongs, and stay _out _of my business. Hmm…not as long of a story as I thought."

Shepard turned around and headed out of the door and to Samara's room.

"What?!"

Miranda ran after Shepard attempting to keep up with his pace.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Shepard what the hell did you tell him?"

Shepard stopped.

"What the hell did I tell him? Are you kidding me? I tell you the guy comes into the elevator and threatens me and we are now trying to make sure his feelings are intact? The guy basically called me a whore who just uses the women he meets and leaves them once I'm done."

Miranda shifted her eyes.

"Well…"

"My god, Miranda!"

Shepard turned around and continued to walk towards Samara's room.

"John I didn't mean it that way."

"Really, in what way did you mean it?"

"I don't know, I—"

Shepard stopped walking and turned to the woman following him.

"You know something? I should be questioning you. I have proved every single time to you and to everyone else that I want this to happen. I want us to happen and no matter what, I am questioned everywhere I turn. When the person that really should be questioned is you. I mean why the hell was Jacob so keen to threaten me over you?"

"Jacob and I are friends."

"Yeah I thought the same thing until he was willing to question me, to _threaten_ me. It takes to guts to do that Miranda and no one does that because they are _'just friends_' so how about you tell me how you feel Miranda, how about for once you show that you are also invested in whatever the hell this is."

Miranda walked up to Shepard and held his face within her hands and looked up at him.

"John…I _need_ time."

Shepard took Miranda's hand off of his face and scoffed. He then turned around and started to walk while he kept talking to the woman walking behind him.

"I tell you how I feel, you say give you time. I give you a locket, you say give you time. I help you with your sister, and guess what Miranda? You say give you some god damn time. Well you know what Miranda, time's up. I don't want this until _you_ show that you're not just playing a game with me."

Miranda stopped walking and called out to Shepard.

"John, please."

Shepard stopped walking and turn back to Miranda.

"Does that sound familiar to you, Miranda?"

He then turned around and walked into Samara's room leaving Miranda astonished.

* * *

Shepard sat back in his seat and looked to the Lieutenant.

"Okay Esparza, question number one: What's your first name?"


	8. Chapter 8

**The Holes In Our Past.**

Shepard heard the door to his Cabin open, and looked up to find the raven haired Cerberus officer standing in his room. It had been a week since the two had talked. Since Shepard told Miranda she should fight for him. And in that week Miranda had still had not tried to win him over.

"I'm still trying to figure you out, John. I feel like I have met you before, somewhere. Everything about you just seems so familiar, like I have been waiting my whole life to see you again."

Shepard put down the data pad and stood up from the couch. As he attempted to respond Miranda held up her hand to stop him.

"Maybe it's your eyes, the way they sparkle and shine brighter than the stars in the sky. The eyes that I find myself longing for, hoping they might glance my way. Or maybe it's your smile, it's amazing how it lights up the darkest room. So filled joy and merriment. Then again, it could be your voice. Your soothing voice that I long to hear. It's like a harmonious tune to my ears, it's my favorite song. It also could be your touch, the touch that makes me weak. The touch that I long to make my hair stand. Or maybe it's your heart, your beautiful heart that entrances me to realize that there is no limit to what you might do to save someone, anyone. I don't know what it is, but it's familiar...and I love every bit of it."

Miranda walked closer to Shepard, who had now been staring at her, silently.

"I run, John. It's what I'm good at. It's what I'm best at. I don't allow anything to become familiar to me, because familiar is comfortable. And comfortable is safe. And feeling safe allows you to be taken back by the unexpected. So when you pursued me, I allowed it because it felt familiar. With you I allowed myself to be familiarized with your arms, the comfort of them allowed me to be safe. So safe, that I forgot. I forgot how to tell my feet to run, because with you I forget how to. I push away the urge to bolt and I prefer to stay. With you, I long to finally be able to become familiar with someone. I allow myself to become so used to you that imagine a start. One with dates and laughter. I allow myself to create a middle that compose of an engagement and a marriage and children, and I yearn for an end with you. On a porch on the Citadel, in a rocking chair watching the sunset. It has been easier imaging from a beginning to end with you then anyone else I have ever met."

Miranda stepped closer to Shepard allowing them to become face to face.

"With you it's easy, it's always been easy. But I'm scared, John. Because like I said, when you're comfortable you allow yourself to be safe. And feeling safe allows you to be taken aback. I don't want to be taken by surprise, because I am afraid that one day you will leave. Or worse die. And the comfort I once had with you always being around, the safety that I felt that I had would be gone. And you would be gone and I would be left drowning in the ocean of my own heartbreak. My own tears. And that's why I needed time, because I was scared that if I feel for you anymore, it would only break my heart more when you're gone."

Miranda took Shepard's hand within her hands.

"But you were right. Time _is_ up. I didn't fight for you before, because I wasn't sure how to or even if I could. But something about you, something that is drawing me to you is familiar. And despite all of your comfort, all of the signs telling me to run. I'm going to stand by you, with my feet firmly on the ground, and I am going to allow myself to feel safe. You told me to fight for you, so I will…"

Miranda kissed Shepard on his check and released his hands from hers. Leaving a box to lie in his hand.

"…starting now."

Miranda turned around and walked out the door, leaving Shepard incandescently happy.

* * *

Shepard sat back in his seat and looked to the Lieutenant.

"Okay Esparza, question number one: What's your first name?"

"My first name is Harper."

"_Harper_? Where does that come from?"

"My mother says it comes from my father. But I never met him so I wouldn't know, sucks to have a guy name you just to bail a week later."

"Ouch, sorry to hear that."

"Eh, I am a big girl now Shepard. I've managed to deal with it. You should know how it feels being that your dad left you."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. My dad didn't _leave _me, he died. There's a difference."

Esparza crossed her arms.

"Well did he take you with him?"

"No, but—"

"—well then he left you."

Shepard scoffed at Esparza.

"Well, so far from questioning I figured out one thing, Harper."

"And what's that, Johnathon?"

Shepard fowled his eyebrows.

"Well I discovered that so far…you're not likeable."

Esparza gave a weak apologetic smile.

"Sorry, my father is a sensitive topic for me."

"Understandable."

"Yeah, so if we can keep the 'daddy questions' to a minimum that would be great."

Shepard shifted in his seat, attempting to get a response out of Esparza. She sighed.

"What, Shepard?"

"I have one more daddy question, if you don't mind. After this question, no more, I swear."

Esparza sighed once more.

"Fine, go for it."

"Did you…do you ever try and find him? I mean figure out who he is or was? See if he is still alive? I mean for all you know he could be searching for you too."

"Whether he is searching or not, I'm not much in the mood for a family reunion you know. I mean even if I was I don't know much about him. Except that he was in the First Contact War, and that his name was Harper. I still don't know what part of his name was Harper to begin with, it could have been his first, middle, or last. Either way, just searching for a Harper in the list of soldiers who fought during the Contact War isn't going to narrow it down much. Then again…his name probably isn't Harper. He could have just named me it in homage to his mother or something. I don't know. Regardless, not enough information to search."

"For someone who doesn't want to have a family reunion, you have done a great deal of searching to figure out who he is."

"Yeah, I know."

"Why don't you just ask your mother this stuff?"

"Because by the time I cared enough to ask her, she had already died."

Shepard winced.

"I'm sorry to hear about that Esparza."

Harper shrugged her shoulders.

"What can you do, right?"

Harper looked out of the Shuttle and onto the stars. Shepard scooted closer next to Esparza.

"I'm going to help you."

Esparza turned her head to face Shepard.

"Help me with what," she said skeptically.

"Finding your dad—"

"Shepard look I—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to find your dad. You're a big girl, blah, blah, blah. Still, I am going to help you figure out who he was. I am going to help you be able to close that chapter in your life. Because though I know that you claim not to want to know, one day you are going to want to. And I will be the person with the information waiting for you."

"And how are you going to get the information for me?"

"Have you forgotten that I am the first human Specter, who saved the Council and galaxy from a Geth and Reaper invasion?"

"Have you forgotten that you are also the first human Specter to go rouge, be imprisoned by the Council and called delusional from crying wolf about a Geth and Reaper invasion?"

Shepard squinted his eyes.

"That could be overlooked. Plus, the Geth and Reaper invasion wasn't me crying wolf. It was more like me screaming 'the British are coming!' and having all of the Americans standing around waiting until they were shot to do anything."

Esparza looked questionably at Shepard.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't you read the history books, the American Revolution?"

Esparza rolled her eyes.

"Whatever Shepard, you still have yet to tell me about all that I need to know."

"And I will, just one more question before I do."

"Fine, shoot."

"What is your real rank? I've told you before, officers all know the truth about the Geth. So you ma'am are not a Lieutenant. Come on, what's your rank?"

Harper sighed.

"I am a Service Chief. The Alliance sent me because I have a sympathetic face and resemble nothing of Alliance brass. They figured I'd blend in so well that you would have been to detect who was following you. Boy did they get that wrong."

Shepard shrugged his solider.

"Well, it could have been worse. You could have been a private."

Shepard gave Harper I smile.

"Thanks, now, start talking about all of these things I need to know."

And with that Shepard told Harper about the Geth and Reapers, and the Collectors. He told her about everything.

* * *

"Where did you get this from?"

Miranda hadn't noticed her door opened when she looked up from her computer and found Shepard standing in front of the door. He was holding a silver dog tag that she had given to him in a box.

"Cerberus operators found it on ground, during a search. They turned it in as evidence, and after years of finding that it wasn't beneficial they turned it in to be burned with the other nonessential items. I recognized your father's name, so I asked to keep it and I had it cleaned."

Shepard didn't look up from the necklace.

"Why?"

"Why did I have it cleaned?"

"No, why was Cerberus at the site?"

Shepard's voice was barely a whisper and Miranda had to strain herself to hear him.

"We were told to investigate—"

"Investigate what, it's evident what happened. Slavers invaded my home, they killed my parents—"

"Shepard you don't know that—"

"The hell I don't! I _watched _as a slaver drove his knife into my father's chest! I watched how they killed my mother, and killed my friends. How they stole children from their parent's arms. Anyone who wouldn't comply Miranda, they were dead and gone! I watched that happen, so I _do_ know. I know the true story, Miranda, the one that I never understood why the world didn't know until now."

"Shepard—"

"I testified that it was slavers. I said that slavers killed my family, I gave a description of the ship and sent them on their way. But the evidence and my story. It just didn't add up. They found no evidence of the human slavers but only Batarians slavers. They found no evidence that my people were killed by our own. But I knew what I saw and I just didn't understand."

"John listen—"

"You guys, Cerberus, you…you cleaned up the site. You cleaned it up to make it looked like humanity didn't attack each other. That's why they never found the slavers, because there was no evidence that they were really there—"

"Shepard—"

"You took the justice that my family deserved! You took the little bit of closure I could have ever had. You let them get away."

"I didn't let them do anything Shepard. I wasn't working for Cerberus at the time."

"But you were working for them when the necklace was discovered. You were working for them when they figured out that humanity had killed their own. So, it makes you just as bad because you are working _for them_."

Miranda had now gotten defensive. She had attempted to do a nice deed for Shepard and he was now calling her a liar.

"Well, Shepard if you hate us so much tell me this, why do you realize that you are working for them too?

"No, I'm not there is a difference I was working _with _them."

"Was?"

"Yeah, was. I'm done, you guys are worse than I thought."

Shepard turned to walk out the door.

"Shepard, wait."

He turned back around and walked towards Miranda's desk. He slammed the necklace on the desk and looked up at Miranda.

"You can have it back, I don't need this necklace to know the truth of what happened. Burn it with all of the other evidence. Forget the truth of the past. That's what Cerberus is good at, right?"

Shepard walked out the door and headed to his Cabin, leaving Miranda brokenhearted.

* * *

"Oh my god," Harper shouted once Shepard concluded his story.

"Harper, sit down you're causing a scene."

"_Oh_ my god!"


	9. Chapter 9

**A blast from the past.**

"Shepard's been hit," Miranda shouted as she rendered shots from her gun.

Shepard, Jacob, and Miranda had been ambushed while on a mission to save Thane. It had been three weeks since Shepard told Miranda that he had intended to officially part ways with Cerberus. However, after talking, well arguing, with the Illusive Man, Shepard decided that he would stay only to defeat the Collectors and leave afterwards. Despite his decision to stay, he and Miranda had only been getting worse.

Shepard had only bought Miranda and Jacob along on the mission with him because the rest of the team had been tired of going along. He hadn't bought Miranda and Jacob on mission with him in three long weeks, that is 21 days of Jack, Samara, Garrus, Mordin, Tali, and Grunt trying to make up for Miranda and Jacob's slack. They needed a break and Shepard knew it. Sadly, the air around the three of them had been awkward and tense.

Shepard needed to get away from them. Shepard dosed off in his thoughts and took four rounds into his chest, forcing his shields down.

"Shepard's been hit," Miranda yelled once more.

"Miranda, you don't have to yell that every time. I think I _know_ when I've been hit."

Shepard had to get away from _her_ especially. And fast.

Without thinking of the enemies in front of him Shepard propelled into one of the Asari mercs full on with his Charge. He was now over fifty feet away from Miranda and Jacob, and fully within enemies' territory. Shepard was outnumbered four to one. Shepard took turned around and grabbed the Asari behind him by the neck and slammed her full force into the ground. He then punched her in the face with full force, killing her instantly. He later took out his shotgun, AT-12 Raider, and killed the three Asari's that had their shields down.

Once all of the enemies had been gone Miranda and Jacob ran to join Shepard.

"What the hell was that?"

Shepard turned around to look at the woman questioning him.

"What was what?"

"What was you running into the Asari's without any cover?"

"I call it progress, Miranda, tell me what you would call it."

"I call it foolish. But I wouldn't expect anything less from you."

Jacob looked from Miranda and to Shepard.

"I can tell you two need some time to talk things out. I'll be upstairs," Jacob gave Miranda a slight nod and headed upstairs.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed? Because if so I can help speed up the process for you, Shepard."

"Well, I was trying to get away from you and Jacob. Being killed by the enemy would have been doing just that so…death wouldn't have been so bad in that case."

"Ugh. Were you always this way?"

"And what way would that be?"

"Such a smart ass? Cocky? Annoying? Bitter?"

"No, I wasn't. "

"Really?"

"Yup, I wasn't this way until I met you. I mean I was always smart but I don't think it has anything to do with my ass. And not 'cocky', confident. Annoying, well I might have become that, and the bitter portion was made by you and your wonderful Cerberus family. How about you have you always been so bitter?"

Miranda was tired of hearing Shepard's comments. She walked passed him brushing his shoulder powerfully with hers, knocking him back a step.

"Not until I met you. And don't forget you were the one who walked out on me."

Shepard started to speak as Miranda walked up the stairs.

"I didn't walk out on you, Miranda."

"Shepard we have a mission to finish. Keep it professional."

* * *

"Oh my god," Harper shouted once Shepard concluded his story.

"Harper, sit down you're causing a scene."

"_Oh_ my god!"

"Harper, your ass to a seat, right now. And shut up."

Harper sat down next to Shepard, still in shock.

"Now the shuttle is about to land any minute now and I need you to promise me that you will keep this together. You _have_ to keep it together."

Shepard stared at Harper waiting for a response, but it was evident she was miles away.

"Harper...Chief! Are you listening to me?!"

Harper looked at Shepard.

"You do realize that if I say that I agree with what you're saying, if I tell everyone the story you just told me the Alliance would have no choice but to let you go."

"What? Are you kidding me? Harper, I am Commander Shepard. I was the hero of the Blitz, and Horizon. I stopped the Geth and Saren, I was the first human Specter. I died and came back to life to stop the Collectors and I am stilled deemed a terrorist and my reputation is heading downhill as we speak. And you are what? A Chief with a nice personality and good on the eyes. A Chief that they sent to watch me simply because you look less intimidating and more like a civilian. You have nothing for you. Nothing, and I mean nothing. They have a reason to keep me alive. I am the face of the Alliance, a hero in many people's eyes. If I disappear they suspect things, not saying the Alliance could kill me. But if they wanted it done, they would have tired by now. You are no one and nobody and you won't be missed if you spread the word of this. It's a cover up for a reason. You can't tell people expecting everyone to listen."

Harper stared at Shepard as if she was still processing his words.

"Harper, do you understand what I am telling you?"

She nodded her head in compliance.

"Good, because once we get off this plane, this never happened. You and I never met and you know nothing and I mean nothing about anything."

Harper leaned back in her seat and folded her arms, she looked disappointed.

Shepard sighed.

"What?"

"You said that we would have never met. If so, how will I figure out about my father?"

"I'll still help you with that. And we will meet. It'll just have to be under watch. It can't look like we met each other on the plane. It wouldn't work out well if that happened. You'll be fine, Harper."

_Ladies and Gentlemen, the Shuttle will be landing 5 minutes. Please locate all of your valuables and prepare to depart in 5 minutes._

Shepard reached down and grabbed the bag in between his legs and stood up. He turned around to face Harper and held out his hand.

"Nice to not have met you Service Chief Esparza. I hope to speak to you again, soon."

She took his hand and gave him a weak smile.

"Nice to not have met you, too."

As Shepard attempted to turn around and walk to the front of the Shuttle, Esparza gripped his hand firmly. Shepard turned around to see what she wanted.

"I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted. And I'm sorry that you are forced to be here."

Shepard smiled.

"Thank you Esparza, but it'll be them who will be sorry once this is all over. And I'm here by choice, I have a few tricks up my sleeve believe it or not."

Harper looked confused.

"But you chose this over Purgatory."

Shepard chuckled before releasing Harper's hand and walking to the front of his shoulder. He later screamed over his shoulder.

"There was always more than two options Esparza, they just didn't know it."

* * *

Shepard finally made his way upstairs, where Jacob and Miranda had been waiting for him.

"Are you guys ready to go inside?"

Miranda gave a slight nod to Shepard, while Jacob shook his head.

"Shepard, wait a second. I have something I want to tell you two."

"Can you make it fast?"

"Yeah I can."

Shepard and Miranda looked to Jacob and waited for him to speak.

"Look, I know after our day in the elevator we agreed that I would stay out of you and Miranda's relationship-"

"There was no relationship," Miranda interrupted.

"Whatever. But, I can't let this go without being said. I was wrong. I thought you were using Miranda to simply sleep with her and then break her heart. I didn't think what you two had was real and I am sorry for that."

"Well, thank you Jacob," Shepard replied sarcastically.

Miranda rolled her eyes.

"With that being said, Shepard, I think you two are stupid for letting each other go. It is evident that you both care for each other and sadly you both are too stupid to admit that. Now, I know this mission is awkward, you can feel the tension in the air. Not even the bullets that we are shooting can rupture through the walls of tension we have built up around us."

"Tension," Shepard questioned.

"Yeah, Jacob I am with Shepard on this. There is no tension between us."

"Maybe it isn't tension, maybe the walls built around us are built upon heartbreak and sadness. But I can tell you I have no part in the creation of those walls. You two need to work out whatever the hell you two have going on. Because it is driving us all on the ship crazy."

"So everyone on the ship has been talking about us."

Miranda sighed, "Great, just great."

Jacob scoffed.

"Yeah everyone on the ship has been talking about you two. Never have we seen two people walk with their faces so close to the ground. Your sadness and anger, or whatever the hell you two have are driving us mad."

Jacob pointed to Shepard.

"The fact that you have had the whole team running from mission to mission because you don't want to be with Miranda. It's idiotic. Anytime you have something to say to Miranda you go and say it."

Jacob then pointed to Miranda.

"And you, being all extra bitchy to the team about reports and files that we don't even have to do. Between that and unneeded mission by Shepard, you are driving us all to hoping that the suicide mission actually kills us. Now, I don't know what the hell happened between you guys, but I am asking that you work it out. Not only for the sake of yourselves but for the members of this team. We're risking our lives for this mission, you can at least make us want to come back to something."

* * *

The doors to the shuttle opened and immediately Alliance brass walked on.

"Commander Shepard," one of the officer's questioned.

Shepard turned around to face the man requesting him.

"How may I help you?"

"We are here to escort you onto the base."

Shepard winced.

"I don't need an escort."

"Commander, we have been told that you have to be escorted onto the base. It was a part of your agreement when you chose the Alliance over Purgatory."

"Actually no it wasn't, when I chose the Alliance over Purgatory, I don't remember this being a part of the deal."

"Well sir, it was," the second officer said.

Shepard looked from the first officer and onto the second.

"I don't remember you being there when I made this deal. I am sorry Marine, I didn't know you had the ability to render yourself invisible."

"Commander. We have been told that if we must we can use force. Please, don't make us use force."

Shepard looked back to the first man.

"You can try and use force Marine, but all it will do is force me to harm you. And I'm sure you didn't dream to spend the weekend in the hospital…or the morgue."

The two men backed up simultaneously from the Commander.

"Commander Shepard—"

"Stop calling me that, the Alliance took away my rank remember."

"Sir, whether or not they took away your rank you are still Commander Shepard. And sir, we have the utmost respect for you, which is why we are pleading for you to join us peacefully. We don't want this to work out badly for anyone. You won't be escorted for long. Our boss is waiting outside and we will be taking a shuttle to the base. It'll go by quickly. We do not wish to do this, sir. It's just a part of our jobs."

Shepard looked from one man to the other.

"Well, if I am going to be escorted then make yourselves useful."

Shepard threw his bag at one man and his coat at the other.

"Thanks guys, they were getting a little heavy."

Shepard walked off the Shuttle with the two men following him.

"So where is this boss of yours that is apparently waiting?"

Shepard turned to see the officer with his bag pointing to the left of the Shuttle.

Shepard followed the officer's finger to the man waiting. The Commander sighed and headed in the direction of the officer's finger.

"Shepard. Nice to see that they let the animal out his cage. Though, I don't know why they would."

Shepard sighed.

"Admiral Bleu, let me guess. You're the boss."


	10. Chapter 10

**And the battle begins…**

Without a knock, as usual, Shepard walked into Miranda's office. The Cerberus officer was sitting at her computer, as always, and typing up mission reports.

"Here are the last two mission reports, Miranda. Sorry it took so long."

"It's okay."

Shepard turned around to walk out the door, but stopped abruptly as the doors opened. He then turned around and looked at Miranda.

"Hey, I wanted to um…I wanted to say I was sorry about the Mindoir situation. I know you weren't there when the raid happened. I shouldn't have insinuated that you were. So for that, I'm sorry."

Shepard turned around to leave once more but was stopped by Miranda's voice.

"So, I suppose you would like your father's necklace back."

Shepard turned to face the Cerberus officer.

"You'd suppose wrong. Now, don't get me wrong. I still believe that you were a part of the cover up Miranda, otherwise you wouldn't have had the ability to get me that necklace. And that necklace was as subtle as a boot to the face because it didn't do anything but piss me off. That necklace is you telling me that this 'brilliant' organization that I am being forced to work with—"

"No one is forcing you, Shepard your work with us is optional."

Shepard put his hands upon Miranda's desk and leaned in.

"Oh don't play me for a fool Miranda, you and I both know this isn't optional. Because of your stupid organization I am alive, making whoever I work for after this think that I have some type of allegiance to you guys because you gave me back my life. Making whoever I work with not trust me. Next, because your _dumb ass_ organization are the only people fighting the Collectors I _have_ to come along. Because let's be honest, if I don't kill the Collectors, who will? Because of your moronic organization I have to choose between life or death, and that Miranda that is not optional."

Miranda rolled her eyes. Miranda stood up from her seat and mimic Shepard's stance on the other side of the desk. Standing face to face with him.

"You know Shepard, this is turning out to be a bad apology."

"I was only apologizing for accusing you of being there. I don't doubt that you were involved with the cover up. I actually believe that once you came of age you joined it. So don't get me mistaken Miranda, you had some involvement."

"You know what Shepard, I don't have to explain myself to you. The way that you're acting you don't deserve the truth. So I will happily keep it to myself."

Shepard gave a cruel chuckle.

"Why did I ever fall for you? I mean I can see that you are beautiful, but your personality is one to not be desired. I mean I was a fool to have fallen for you. Really Miranda, I don't know how I could have done that, you're manipulative, you're cold, and you're guarded. And the only person you will ever love and care for is Cerberus. I was stupid to try and compete with them."

"You're stupid to even think that there was a competition between you and Cerberus, John. When I chose to be with you, when I opened up to you, something in which I never do. You threw it back in my face, you threw it all in my face, and you walked out. And you are trying to make this my fault? Well, you can go to hell, John. You call me manipulative, but I have been completely honest with you, and you call me cold and guarded, but I opened up to you. Something I will never do again by the way. You know what you are, John?"

"What is that?"

"A child. You are a child. You're a petty, immature, and now you're the cold one. I tried to be someone you wanted, but you can't see me for me. You just see a Cerberus sign and assume that I agree with everything they are. I don't assume the same for you, even though you are the walking poster child for the Alliance. I gave you and chance and you didn't give me one. So you are a child for playing the victim. Now get _out _of my office."

Shepard stood up from the desk and walked towards the door, and over his shoulder he called out to Miranda.

"I am the victim Lawson, and when you don't want that Cerberus sign hanging behind you, you let me know."

* * *

"Shepard. Nice to see that they let the animal out his cage. Though, I don't know why they would."

Shepard sighed.

"Admiral Bleu, let me guess. You're the boss."

"I can see that you're still as smart as ever, Shepard. I wonder how did you put two and two together."

"It's a gift, Bleu."

"It's Admiral Bleu."

"It's Potato, patato."

"No, one is a rank and one is not. Kind of like how you're Shepard instead of Commander Shepard. By the way how is rank being snatched from you feel?"

"It feels delightful, Bleu because it means that I can do whatever I want to whoever I want without any consequences. By the way how is your neck and head feeling?"

Shepard could see Admiral Bleu tighten his jaw.

"I wouldn't say that you can do whatever you want a get away with it, after all you were in jail. And my neck and head are feeling much better now."

"Yeah I was in jail. But if you thought that was bad you should have seen the other guy."

Shepard smirked as the Alliance officer tighten his jaw.

"I imagine that the other guy had it better than you."

"I wouldn't agree."

"Okay, guys are you done with this pissing contest," a woman interrupted.

Shepard turned around to find a familiar face.

"And who might this be, Bleu?"

"It's Admiral Bleu. And this is Service Chief Harper Esparza. She rode the shuttle here with you."

Shepard looked from Harper and onto Admiral Bleu.

"You sent Alliance on the shuttle to spy on me?"

"We couldn't have you run, Shepard. Now could we?"

"As I recall, I never run."

"Oh yeah, instead you get captured and handcuffed to seats. By the way how are you Reaper delusions helping you sleep at night?"

"Like a baby Bleu, how is you're post-traumatic stress helping you sleep?"

"My traumatic stress?"

"Yeah, surely you hate that the man who put a gun to your face is back into your life. Tell me, do you have nightmares about being thrown on a table again, and this time picturing the gun actually going off."

Admiral Bleu's jaw tightened again.

"No, I don't."

"Well you should."

Harper stepped up between the two men.

"Okay _boys_, now that you're done measuring, I ask that you put it away and get in the shuttle. We have to get to the base, and with you two going back and forth I'm sure we would be lucky to get to base before the week is out. So for the time being, squash whatever you two have and let's go."

Shepard looked from the Admiral and to the woman standing in between the two of them.

"Fine, let's go."

He looked down and the bags behind him.

"Are these your bags?"

Harper nodded her head at Shepard.

"Well, let me get them for you."

Shepard took the bags and stood up, to find the Admiral burning a hole through him.

"Like what you see, Bleu?"

The Admiral put his shades on and brushed past Shepard, toward the shuttle heading to the base. Leaving Harper and Shepard alone.

"You could have taken it easy on him, Shepard."

Shepard smirked at the Chief.

"I could have, but…I hate that guy."

"Play nice. I don't want to have to deal with an hour of this on our way to the base."

"I'll try."

Harper started walking towards the shuttle with Shepard following behind with her bags.

"But, Chief Esparza. I make no promises."

* * *

"How are you feeling, Commander?"

"Better than yesterday, Dr. Chakwas."

Shepard had been laying down on the table, received a check up from Dr. Chakwas.

"Well, your implants are working well."

"Awesome, it's pretty cold. Mind if I put on my shirt, and go now."

Shepard sat up on the table and put his shirt back on. He hated to sound rude, and he enjoyed seeing Dr. Chakwas, but he truly hating getting check-ups.

"Yup Commander, you are free to go."

"Thanks, Chakwas."

"You're welcome."

Shepard jumped down from the table and headed towards the door.

"Commander?"

Shepard turned around.

"Yes?"

"Can I offer you some advice?"

"Go for it."

"To love and to be loved is to feel the sun from both sides."

"What?"

"It's a quote from David Viscott, I was just thinking. Maybe it wouldn't feel so cold if you remembered that quote."

"I didn't mean to sound so harsh doctor, and I didn't mean that when I said I was cold."

"I know what you meant. I'm just saying that maybe you would be a little warmer once you heard that quote. Maybe you would try something new with your approach to the crew."

Shepard was still confused by the doctor.

"Think about it."

* * *

Shepard nodded his head a walked out of the room.

Shepard walked on the shuttle behind Harper and placed her bags in the seat next to her. He then sat across from her and Admiral Bleu as the shuttle began to take flight.

"So, Shepard."

Shepard looked at Admiral Bleu.

"Yes?"

"Did you ever get the chance to find your Miss Lawson?"


End file.
